Rants, can'ts, shan'ts, dance…


I’m sorry that I have not dealt with the thousands of hours of brutality, torture and trauma you inflicted on me and my children according to your schedule and I’m sorry that the way I am trying to deal with it is not good enough for you. I’m sorry if I cannot just “grow up and get over” the horrible things you’ve done to me. It’s very easy to say that when you are not the person that these horrible things were done to, when you are in fact the person who did the terrible things. How hard can it be to get over doing terrible things to someone if you are capable of doing such terrible things at all in the first place?
It must be very nice to have the luxury of just not having to think about it. I do not have that luxury. I do not have the luxury of being able to say, “It was a long time ago, let it go.” It’s nice to hear you say that I ought to try to “stop acting like a child” and “just deal with it” or that I’d “be a lot happier” if I could just “let it go” but again, it’s easy to say that when you are the one who did these things. I’m sorry you seem to think “dealing with it” means “pretend it never happened” or “never talk about it again.” The truth is that you don’t really care how it affects me; you just don’t want to be forced to face it anymore. I however have to face it every day. So I’m sorry if I am not bleeding quietly enough for you. I’ll try and tone it down.
It takes the body and mind three days to deal with a trauma. When you multiply that by the years of trauma you’ve inflicted on me, well… I don’t think it’s going to go fast enough for you. I am sorry that you’ve (obviously) not been able to outrun the guilt, and I’m sorry that my pain did not evaporate neatly and quietly according to when you stopped caring about it and when you decided it was no longer an issue.
I am, perhaps, sorriest of all that you are so selfish that you actually believe I “hold on” to such terrible things just to punish you and not because they are so terrible that I may never be able to fully get over them. I am sorriest that you do not seem to understand at all what you’ve done and that you seem unable to ever do so.

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